I am not living my life the way I should be

04/11/2017 § Leave a comment

This afternoon I cried at an advert for nespresso coffee
It is time I stopped looking for home in other people and looked for it within myself
There’s a blanket just for me and if I share it it’s mine to share and its all the blanket I need
I am going to learn to breathe fire
I am going to perform pole and hoop
I am going to be proud of what I am achieving and
I am not going to cut myself for the many ways I struggle
For the many ways I am struggling
I am going to fuck purely for pleasure and
I am going to laugh as comes naturally and
I am going to take the world as light as a cloud
Because it is and we’re all floating


Sugar slugs and nettle stung bums

31/10/2017 § Leave a comment

I was following a train of thought about intense self appreciation. Tea Hacic and her dress made of her own faces. Kanye West listening to his own music when he has guests over. Something I read a while ago where a gay man got turned on and hard when he saw himself in the mirror. I can’t decide whether someone fucking to music they’ve made would be terrible or good thing for their soul and what factors would make it swing one way or the other. The man I like makes his own music. He’s never fucked to it.

You really do have to be purely yourself. All your weirdness and all your madness and all your edges. And also balance that with kindness and selflessness and consideration for others. Can you get the balance right?

Everything with the new guy was nearly ruined this weekend from the selfishness of a friend, and may still be ruined. I was sad for a while about it and still am sad, but what can I do really? I’m now baring the way my mind works and not holding back. Kill or cure the relationship, and if he doesn’t like these sides then he’s not for me. I can say with utter certainty that I’m for me.

My desire currently is not to read or consume, it’s to make and draw and paint and sculpt my little creatures, my little figures from the back corners of my mind, from those dreams that blur with reality that blur with dreams, from those figures you thought you imagined but didn’t, those memories from childhood you think don’t effect you now but they do, they always do.

Remember that walk where you ran the whole way and couldn’t find her. Remember the yellow skirt and the distress. Remember the melting ice cream and the bowl and the shame of not liking ice cream. Remember the needles and the hospital and the lack of fear. Is that where the fear began? No, it began with work, and not even then, it was a slow burner through the years.

I crave sex like most people crave sex. There’s something wanting to be filled and it’s always there and will always need filling. It’s not a hole in my body but it helps. This is not abnormal, we each of us have a hole, we each fill it different ways but the main ones are food, sex, alcohol, laughter, company.

I forgot I used to want to be a tombstone carver. I forgot I used to love slugs, genuinely love them not pretend. I forgot the jobs I used to crave were lonely and exact, the jobs I crave now are the opposite, social and creative.

There’s a reason the best popcorn is sweet and salty, what is happiness without the sting?


29/10/2017 § Leave a comment

Despite what you may think I have a deep loyalty to you. The loyalty comes from a place of respect and gratitude for the kindness and love you have shown me over the years, from a deep rooted friendship that endures, and through the way that love never really goes away and I will always care for you.

In a bizarre way you’re the brother I never had. And – if it doesn’t hurt you more – I’ll always be there for you physically, emotionally or mentally. No matter what you may do to make me dislike you.

I’ve never cheated, I never will. I’ve never shown anyone your blog, not a single friend who I’ve spoken of you with over the past months and years. I’d never show anyone your naked pictures, or clothed pictures you wouldn’t want me to show. No matter what you may do, the above won’t change.


29/10/2017 § Leave a comment

Sex for fun often feels like an invasion. Even masturbation, alone and gentle in my warm clean bed feels like an invasion currently. The thought of sleeping with someone I don’t want to for money makes something in me freeze and hurt. I crave sex with someone I love, not one night stands, not for money, not fucking for fuckings sake. I don’t want to feel invaded. I want to feel like a warm house letting it’s owners in after a hard days work. I want to feel the opposite of used. I want to feel nothing is taken from me. I want to feel like I’m not taking.

How many flaws does it take to build this ladder

24/10/2017 § Leave a comment

How much more chaos do I need to make.

I needed to protect myself so I curled in like a snail in my shell. There’s so much I hadn’t told John and I was glad of it. to have put myself in such a vulnerable position leaves me breathless to think about. It’s too early to be safe, and then it’s not too early but you’re still not safe. I refused to play the game and it backfired as it usually does when you are too honest too fast.

It’s a mans world, Jo said. Whether she was being kind or manipulative was a mistery to me. It’s a mans world she said but she’s wrong. A man couldn’t do this job. A man doesn’t have this option to survive when times get hard.

Recently a man told me several times in the early hours of the morning ‘whatever keeps the wolf from the door.’ What man? What wolf? What job? Strange becomes hard to remember when strange becomes normal.

Ending the work now means I may never see Danny again and be able to thank him for his kindness and acceptance of my tears and two bottles of fizzy water and discretion on the surprisingly quick drives and especially the one to Liverpool. He kept my money safe. He kept me safe. He looked out for my mind and health. He was a white knight, and like all white knights wanted to be seen in that role. But just because a man wants to be a certain way doesn’t mean he isn’t, doesn’t mean he can’t do good. Doesn’t make it a bad thing.

Both Annie and I know F. It’s a small world that gets smaller everyday when you live your life the way I do often do.

Annie can put up a mask, Danny said. This is a game of acting. I can act but I’m scared and the fear goes deep to the bones and I can’t live like that.

How close I was to all the money I’ll ever need. How I can finally turn my back on it. How what I fear may get me in the end anyway. Luck has everything to do with it.

I replied back to Jo saying that of course I will. Call Sam. End on good terms. I will never work this job again. I confided in Katie last night that I had crossed my boundaries and I cried and she was perfect about it. I didn’t admit how I crossed them but I did say why.

My friend who is a sex coach told me that the two most powerful interactions in the world are sex and money. I read her tarot which told her that when the grass looks greener with another man, it really is greener.

Early days with John. Early days to trust and early days to know and early days to understand. There’s a lot I don’t know about you, he said to me last night, and he doesn’t know how right he is. That he is not as nice as I think he is is probable.

How easy to lock myself into wanting, to feel small temporary obsessions creep in. How masochistically pleasurable it is to let them curl around my body and my tongue, taste them, feel the small hurts. How clearly I know as I ride them that they will pass. The relief and the knowing when they do.

It will be a lonely Christmas. I will only go home for a few days because it is close to unbearable there. I will come back and there will be no one here and I will make the best of it. That may be the perfect time to dip back into work again if need be. I forget the suffering, every time I am away from it for any stretch of time. By the time I remember and it becomes unbearable I have already made money. I’m not sure this time I will be able to forget enough. I am too old and too aware and too far from 18.

I can cope with all kinds of suffering when it is just temporary. Freeze my mind, stop it like a broken clock that can be restarted. Forget. Play mind games with myself. But the fear here is of permanent damage that cannot be reasonably avoided, frustrating as it is.

There isn’t much pain in my life that I can’t alleviate partially with a hot shower. I’ve always been able to withdraw from men I don’t love when I don’t feel safe. It’s what I do now with John at the slightest chance of hurt and it’s a bloody relief. When you love them you can’t withdraw and heal.

A long time ago I promised myself that I would never live a life that bored me. And I never have.

I have never had my body invaded against my will. I cannot contribute to the ‘me too’ movement and I am lucky and I am glad of that. Once I thought, maybe I have invaded myself. But that isn’t true and never will be.

When I am scared of vulnerability. I think What role could a new man have in my life? Financial benefit. A hug after a bad day. Meeting of minds. Meeting of souls. Sexual release. A hot meal. Interesting conversation.

I’m not sure I want any of that really. Or more accurately, if any of it is worth it. When I am brave and honest I know it’s all worth it.

I’m done with biting to the bone

24/10/2017 § Leave a comment

This is not the first night this week I’ve laid awake till the early hours in the grip of anxiety. Lungs tight, mind heavy, heart panicked. This won’t be the last.

Life moves on when you least expect it to. I’m standing in an area that normally pulls my heart in all kinds of ways. It’s where I lived my first year away from home, where all kinds of joys and miseries occurred. I feel very little here now, my pain has moved on to other sources. I need alcohol or friends or the right men or alone time with shitty cartoons to soothe it.

My fingernails are bitten down and I feel thoroughly myself in the way you do sometimes when you’re the parts of yourself you dislike but can’t seem to shake.

I miss my best friend but he will never be my best friend again and can you really call someone a best friend who allows you no privacy? Who watches every word you write and move you make against your will? Of course you can, just because a relationship is incredibly unhealthy doesn’t make it false.

I have been weak. I should never have contacted him, I should have recognised the desire for friendship and connection would only hurt him. I should have recognised that I needed to properly let him go.

My heart and head used to fight with equal sized fists. My heart is always on top now and has been for a while, I can make very few decisions with my head these days.

I didn’t expect to have these feelings. I didn’t expect to have any feelings. Every time I see him my feelings grow. I hope, I hope, I hope they are reciprocated.

Leaving uni wasn’t stepping off a cliff, leaving America was.

I am not properly here

01/10/2017 § Leave a comment

I am tired of having panic attacks in bookstores and
I am tired of worrying I will never be enough and
I am tired of being the way I am how
do I lift the weight from the corners of my mouth how
do I let go today
I am letting go I
panic in bookstores because I am full of information and I can’t take any more I
calm down in the stationary sections because creating is healing today
I walk in the sun and do not wear sun cream and refuse to worry today
I order a fancy coffee and save the receipt for the council to pay for and I refuse to feel guilty

do I feel like my heart is being squeezed is it because I miss the ones I love I
am starting to like the colour blue again I
think this means I am getting over my childhood some
of the best days are the ones where you’re not present and
time slips by and when
someone speaks to you you look up in shock, surprised
they could see you, unsure
how to behave in the real world

The circus is moving out of town tomorrow night
This summer is nearly over