08/01/2018 § Leave a comment
I masturbated at work today. At my day job, as a receptionist at a law firm. It’s been a long long time since I’ve done that.
I reach for sex and food the way many of us do. As a compulsion, a need from my lowest chakra, out of boredom, out of a need for distraction, from a desire to move past ourselves and into the lives of others, from a desire to move further into ourselves.
A couple of weeks ago I ate chicken and potatoes alongside a Budweiser with one friend, and then went to meet another and had the same meal; chicken, potatoes and a Budweiser. This is what this month is, food and friends and overindulgence and working hard and enjoying it and feeling as little guilt for myself as I can manage. I hold myself to such high standards, the guilt is inevitable.
For a long time I believed all behaviour was learnt and so I believed I could love anyone, because anyone could change and become lovable.
I don’t believe that now. Although I do think that if we stripped it down we would most all of us love one another.
I am going to a talk soon on the psychology of raving. I like to keep learning about the things which fascinate me: The ways our bodies and minds connect, the ways we connect to others, the ways we transcend ourselves, the ways we go deeper out and in. I am always fascinated by peoples everyday rituals, the things that keep them tethered to this world. I’ve always found uniqueness valuable, yes, but far more valuable the ways in which we connect intimately or not to build partnerships and communities. Our brains think in villages and small tribes and my brain falls to this perhaps more than most. I am governed by emotions and the lizard brain. Everything I understand about myself leads me to be less inclined to fall into unhealthy patterns, behaviours, lives. But yet I always fall. Like an alcoholic who is still drinking.
Often when I pass people I want to ask: Who are you? Why are you here? How are you surviving in this world?
08/01/2018 § Leave a comment
I’ve never quite gotten over when I tried to sell my eggs and
I’ve never quite got to grips with the maternal instincts that rose from those weeks
and perhaps will never quite subside only grow
It’s rare I feel healthy and well with my sexuality because of the internalized guilt and shame around past sex work but
I had the most perfect sex a month or two back with John
waves and waves of pleasure and sticky warmth and care and it felt so good on every single layer from the air around my skin through to the marrow in my bones every single corner of my mind body and soul
it was undiluted medicine straight into my bloodstream
I knew how much I needed this medicine but I didn’t think I’d get it for years so thank you, thank you to everything in life that allows these small miracles
one solution to issues around sex is simply to enjoy yourself
I think what I’m trying to say is everything is and is going to be ok
05/01/2018 § 1 Comment
Looking at the year ahead and setting my intentions in three words for how I want to feel. The words came to me easily and felt right.
Excited, Growing, Loving
and that covers it really, everything I want this year to be about and everything I believe in can be brought under these three words.
It feels equally exciting and terrifying when I look ahead. This year has a clarity about it.
Excited: To make the choices and behaviors that feel exciting. This doesn’t necessarily mean choosing the reckless options. It means choosing to be around the people who I feel excited about seeing. It means making choices that feel good not that feel necessary. To live a life that excites me. To not protect myself by making myself small. It’s about not being afraid of fear, which brings me on to the second intention –
Growing: To grow physically, mentally and spiritually. To train hard, and stretch my physical capabilities. To not live in willful ignorance when it comes to how my behavior effects the world around me. To stretch myself in the ways I love myself and others. To provide myself with the love I need. To look outwards and try and care for the world around me. And like the last intention, this overlaps and leads onto the last.
Loving: To love others the way I wish to be loved. To not be afraid to be myself, which isn’t held back. To cultivate good relationships. To love myself and not be afraid to walk away from interactions which don’t provide me with the love I need. To let my love expand outwards to more than my immediate circle and see how I can positively impact everyone I meet and the world around me.
This is a year of training hard, and loving hard, and having rich connections with people I care about and people that encourage emotional, physical and spiritual growth.
I am struggling at the moment with eating meat. This is a part of growth and not living in wilful ignorance. I’m not sure how this will change with this over the coming weeks and months but I’m just going to take it as it comes and be aware of what I put in myself.
Slightly more solid action based goals for this year:
- Perform burlesque
- Perform pole again
- Pass beginners pole fitness instructor qualification
Slightly vaguer action based goals for this year:
- Start learning how to use fire fans
- Practice juggling and unicycling
19/12/2017 § 1 Comment
I am always down to eat
I am always down to fuck
I am mornings biggest fan, it’s worth waiting all night for
and all day again until it comes back around
I’ll be fast asleep eleven nights out of twelve
Dreaming five times out of six
My joy in the time when the sun is rising and just risen is effortless and predictable
When is your joy? Midday? Midnight? Or so rarely or so often
Or so unknown
We don’t want winter to go
We want to bury deeper into it with the one we’re obsessed with
and wait with a trees patience for spring
I’ll be under these covers for the next six months
This duvet you tried to friendly joke about but you should know no-one can mock me
I mock me twice as hard
I’ll beat you to the punch every time
Deeper and more and more
of what we want
and more and more
of what we want
We don’t want winter to leave us
We want to be found by Spring
There’s a goddamn difference
I wish I were a nymphomaniac
because I want to be rich
I think I’d be happy as a maniac
and the desire to fuck
would pull me through life
as one thick gold thread
Instead I am a love addict
and my threads are silver and several
and the best days
are when that love
is for myself and me and me
above anyone else
(these days come once in every six)
I’ve never quite been able to take good friends for granted
an after effect of a lonely childhood
I’ve never envied the freedom of birds
I travel and travel but can never leave people
You can still hide from yourself when you meditate
If you meditate badly
My dad is in court tomorrow pleading guilty
My friends wrapped me an unexpected Christmas present
in black and gold and with my name
An extra gift, slipped under our tree
because they know I will have a present-less Christmas this year
What kind of substitute is money for that
What kind of substitute is anything for that
There’s a warmth at the pit of my breastbone from that
and it makes me be a better person
You can always get money back
You can sometimes get people back
You can sometimes get yourself back
When you forget who you are for a while
If you never leave people you never have to get them back
Friends can always get me back
My capacity for forgiveness is an ocean
My capacity for love is huge
Taxis know what I am
Taxis are lovely about it
I can sniff an escort a mile away
from their clothes and their hair and their attitude
But I can’t scent you anymore, where did you go
I know where you’ve been
I understand less and less why
I understand less and less you
We used to be under each others skins but now there’s a country road between us
One day it will be a dual carriageway
One day it will be the earth and the moon
19/12/2017 § Leave a comment
- That’s what we came for and that’s what’s gon make us come
- For fuck sake don’t sit there is silence there’s nothing worse than getting naked to silence
- He’s a cheap vegetarian jew, of course he has an electric car
- Fuck off with your spotty dresses and your wine. ‘I’ve got two kids I need to run after them’, run after them a bit faster then you mongs
- I could dress like a Japanese school girl but I have the body of a 40 year old woman
- Men are weird, imma be rich
- I’m not asking for the world, I’m asking for cheerios
- I will stand on my head in a skirt for a beer
- I’m sweating like a fat girl writing a love letter
- Fanny out gloves on that’s how I do
- She looks dead cute I bet she’s dead filthy
- I thought she was having a heart attack, turns out she was just tired
07/12/2017 § Leave a comment
It’s a Wednesday. I wake up in the darkness of pre-6am, practice yoga, go to a quiet eight hour shift in a corporate law firm, work for another two hours which include pissing on a guys face and making him suck another guys dick, practice my aerial hoop routine ready for a performance Saturday night, shoot a photo for the August page of our studios upcoming calendar, come home and hoover my bedroom and eat a banana with almond butter and wonder if meditating will force me to face my constant mild nagging guilt of eating animals and push me into vegetarianism, decide no it probably won’t be enough and possibly nothing ever will, go to sleep.
He wanted me to text him when I entered the hotel so he could leave the door on latch, and I enter to find him restrained to the bed and blindfolded with a cock cage in place. There were two piles of money on the side and I didn’t go near them initially, it wasn’t necessary. Later I said ‘I’m assuming one is for me and one for Ben’ and he said ‘Yes, the larger one is for you’.
It often pays to be a woman, at least to be a relatively attractive woman in England in 2017. I can not deny the advantages. I think my life would look so incredibly different if I’d been born male. I’m not sure if it would be better or worse but I think I would have made so many different choices from birth that my life would be unrecognizable from the one I lead now.
Sometimes when other sex workers are with me and a client, they say things that indicate they enjoy what they do and get genuine pleasure from it. When this happens I always try and look at their face and detect whether this is the truth or a lie. The truth is that probably, like me, everything is somewhere in the middle.
I’ve been looking at recipes for eggnog’s and Tom and Jerry’s and vegetable lasagnas and risottos and I have so many beautiful things to cook and make and when I finally run out of food next week I will do a large shop and get everything I need in. I need to clear out first. I need to use every last scrap.
People are fascinating and you can never predict them. You can never assume. I wore nice underwear for my first meet with J the Nazi and he was disappointed. Not at me, he understood I couldn’t have known, but he likes plain cheap cotton panties.
It seems to be more common than usual lately that male clients want to be controlled in a caring motherly girlfriend type way. I’m glad, the bitch mother/caring mother style suits me best above other dominatrix styles such as being the cold princess or pure giver of pain. They want cuddles and skin contact. Perhaps it’s the month, the loneliness of winter and December and Christmas. We all feel it though I have avoided its sting well with friends, family, John. I am not too lonely at all this Christmas, thanks to the life I have created and a spoonful of pure dumb luck.
05/12/2017 § Leave a comment
It’s been a long time since I felt this vulnerable. The trick is to pour love on fear. Pour love on myself and pour love on his knife or his apathy.
All I can think about is his cock and his mouth and his beautiful mind.
What’s the worst that could happen? I give and not be taken. I receive no love in return.