.

01/04/2018 § Leave a comment

Things I love:

Dancing
Plants
Writing
Creating
Laughing at my own ridiculousness
Connecting with people
Laughing with people
Doing things for people

Advertisements

Trying To Drink The Rain

31/03/2018 § Leave a comment

January 2018

I have started my period, and it feels like good timing. It is my first one in over two months and – on an emotional level – it feels like a chance to reset myself, cleanse. Purge sadness from my body. Release him.

I wonder what moving past this will take. I wonder if it will be like with M, where I woke every morning smiling uncontrollably and craving fruit, or like J, where it was easy, then hard, then easy, then hard again in waves.

I find loving past versions of myself comes naturally, which in some ways is surprising. Facebook throws up memories, and I see my skinny spotty self at a birthday party aged 15. I see my baggy clothes and scruffy hair. I remember how helpless I felt in the ways I could look better. I didn’t understand anything about hair. Nothing could be done about the skin, it was teenage hormones. I knew nothing about fashion and couldn’t have done anything with the knowledge if I did.

I wanted adventures and excitement and connections and to belong, and I worked at it and I got it all.

I mentioned previously that in hard times I retreat into art. I also retreat into food. Sex is never a comfort. Sex is a sugared knife. He doesn’t know these things about me. He doesn’t know much because he doesn’t ask, isn’t interested, doesn’t want to know. This is dating at arms length. This is barely-friends that touch skin. Then a closeness and back again. The lack of consistency leaves me clawing at myself.

I have tried harder than I should have in past relationships. I remembered today the weekends I took the train back to Nottingham. So many weekends to lie on his bed with him with the open window and the sunlight. And when he stopped caring I took so long to leave. I accepted such a lack of love, waiting and waiting and trying and trying to pull single drops from his skin to fill a bowl. Like standing outside in the spitting rain trying to catch enough to drink. I have to let things get so bad before I can leave.

To live and to thrive

05/02/2018 § Leave a comment

Even if you hate your job it’s important to have professional pride, for your own sanity and sense of worth. A sense of worth is important, and if you can’t fulfill this through a meaningful job you have to create your own meaning. Professional pride is one way to do that in a menial role.

Moving into a brighter February than the previous weeks has brought me to a clearer realization that in most ways you choose your own happiness. We have to swiftly quell dark thought patterns when they rise and replace them with positive ones. We may wake with the thought that this day will not be a good one, but we must make the choice to believe otherwise and tell ourselves that this will be a good day. We must mAve believe that the majority of days are good days, and that bad days are anomalies. Life follows belief. We must make what we can of each day. Focus on positive interactions. Love properly, work properly, play properly, live properly. And by properly I mean with enthusiasm and positivity. With focus on the present moment.

This could sound like a lot of hard work but creating these grooves is an enjoyable process in itself, and the reward is a pure kind of happiness. In making these shallow grooves over and over we repath the river of our mental state.

I realise I write these things in a childish way but to be frank I don’t have the capacity to speak otherwise currently. I am raw, and simple, and too empathetic with all around me.

My friend invited me to the theater to watch Shakespeare with her. She said ‘I know this is probably really not your thing’. Very few things are not my thing but she is right and this is a rare time I’ll decline an event with her. This friend and I do all kinds of things together and she is the first person I go to when I see anything a bit unusual that I want to do. Friends like this are invaluable.

There is a woman at work, lets call her Claire, who fascinates me as everything I am not. She is never in a daydream, always focused, always aware of her present moment. Ambitious, confident and consistently self assured. She is a lawyer and very successful for her age. There is something about her which I’m sure everyone recognises and which is behind her professional success. A certain control, inner power, sharpness. I can’t picture a version of her story in which she wouldn’t be where she wants to be.

There is a man at work, lets call him Chris, who works in facilities and whose role it is to fix, mend, lift, move, rearrange. He is in his late twenties, with a great body and a strong jawline. The type who speaks like he grew up on a council estate and doesn’t have a single GCSE but can change a lightbulb with his eyes shut and whose lean wirey muscely can move whatever you like. Predictably, I am fascinated and aroused and my lizard brain melts into a place without words when he is in the same room with me. It’s pure lust and fantasy, no logic or sense. I would never want to date him.

This job was supposed to end on 16th Feb but it has been extended again till probably the end of February. This is a good thing, financially, and because the job is easy and pleasant. But I was hoping so much to go home and see my family for a chunk of weekdays and to see that visit move backwards several weeks in my diary is not a good feeling, though I’m counting my blessings.

I am planning a shoot for just myself. I don’t plan for it to go anywhere, be seen by anyone, be used as advertisement for anything. It is simply for my own creative fulfillment. When times feel difficult, like they do now. I tend to retreat back into art as a method to heal through pain. Art is a knife that cuts and applies healing balm at the same time. It’s exactly what I need.

Fire is purification. Growing is pain.

I have cried almost every day this past week. To put it simply, I am lonely. What bothers me isn’t that I can’t alleviate this loneliness, I can, mostly, by seeing friends and speaking with my mum (as always, she is perfection when I am not feeling my best). What bothers me is that after all these years of trying to be otherwise it I still struggle to be alone. Fully alone, a night in the house with no company and no conversations other than with myself.

Without connection to others I feel lost. I have always been this way and I try and I try but can never seem to grow past it.

I have been writing to calm myself. Yesterday I sat on the floor and ate lasagna and watched Schindler’s list and cried. Yesterday my friend made things with me and her talent blew me away. Next week I am celebrating friendship by pancakes with my housemates on pancake night, and films and food with Becky on valentines night.

I am trying not to bite my nails. I am trying to see my future as bright. I am trying to be kind to everyone around me. I am trying. I am trying.

Some days my loneliness feels like ice in my stomach. Sometimes like an ice bath after a hard workout, cool and healing. Some days, the best days, I barely feel it at all.

29.01.18

30/01/2018 § Leave a comment

Tarot ~

1 Judgement.
2 + 3 + 4 The hermit. The 8 of pentacles. The hanged man.
5 + 6 The 4 of swords. The Inverted king of cups.
7 Death.

Interpretation ~

My goal is to make everything balanced and fair and right. This needs to be done with a rational clear head, and I need to make sure decisions I make are not so emotionally driven. I have the ability to be introspective and seek out information, and to become skilled in my training and career. I have to pause and take time to see things from a different perspective, this is especially true considering the headspace I have been in recently. I have to make sacrifices and accept that sacrifices must be made. My next steps are to feel gratitude for what I have and be humbled. Take the time to pause and rest and recover. I must be aware that in the pursuit or in the attainment of my goals, some things will have to end, to die. I have a feeling this will mean aspects of my lifestyle, and certain friendships.

This feels very relevent to me right now. I have been focusing too much on certain areas of my life and neglecting others. I need to have more fun with friends, and I need to do more creative/artistic things other than (bomb-ass and highly enjoyable) vegan cooking. These are starting to balance out again after a month of lots of dance training and not much drinking or partying, and creative/chill time neglect. I am excited to see my family again in a few weeks, and have quality time with them. It feels very needed, I need to retreat back to the nest. My training is starting to feel progress again after a while of feeling very plateaued. I knew gradual progress was happening and to stick with what I was doing, but it felt hopeless for a while. Everything felt hopeless for a while! The last few weeks have been tough and I stayed strong in that I mostly did ‘all the right things’ you need to do in misery. Keep eating well, exercising, seeing friends, being kind, focusing outside your bubble, giving myself tlc. All the things that feel hard when you are struggling. But it has all paid off, as I knew it would.

I’m expecting some rough days ahead but I believe it will all work out very well in the end, and even the close future is sunny. Even today.

The Way I Live

08/01/2018 § Leave a comment

December

I masturbated at work today. At my day job, as a receptionist at a law firm. It’s been a long long time since I’ve done that.

I reach for sex and food the way many of us do. As a compulsion, a need from my lowest chakra, out of boredom, out of a need for distraction, from a desire to move past ourselves and into the lives of others, from a desire to move further into ourselves.

A couple of weeks ago I ate chicken and potatoes alongside a Budweiser with one friend, and then went to meet another and had the same meal; chicken, potatoes and a Budweiser. This is what this month is, food and friends and overindulgence and working hard and enjoying it and feeling as little guilt for myself as I can manage. I hold myself to such high standards, the guilt is inevitable.

For a long time I believed all behaviour was learnt and so I believed I could love anyone, because anyone could change and become lovable.

I don’t believe that now. Although I do think that if we stripped it down we would most all of us love one another.

I am going to a talk soon on the psychology of raving. I like to keep learning about the things which fascinate me: The ways our bodies and minds connect, the ways we connect to others, the ways we transcend ourselves, the ways we go deeper out and in. I am always fascinated by peoples everyday rituals, the things that keep them tethered to this world. I’ve always found uniqueness valuable, yes, but far more valuable the ways in which we connect intimately or not to build partnerships and communities. Our brains think in villages and small tribes and my brain falls to this perhaps more than most. I am governed by emotions and the lizard brain. Everything I understand about myself leads me to be less inclined to fall into unhealthy patterns, behaviours, lives. But yet I always fall. Like an alcoholic who is still drinking.

Often when I pass people I want to ask: Who are you? Why are you here? How are you surviving in this world?

 

 

Broody

08/01/2018 § Leave a comment

I’ve never quite gotten over when I tried to sell my eggs and

I’ve never quite got to grips with the maternal instincts that rose from those weeks

and perhaps will never quite subside only grow

It’s rare I feel healthy and well with my sexuality because of the internalized guilt and shame around past sex work but

I had the most perfect sex a month or two back with John

waves and waves of pleasure and sticky warmth and care and it felt so good on every single layer from the air around my skin through to the marrow in my bones every single corner of my mind body and soul

it was undiluted medicine straight into my bloodstream

I knew how much I needed this medicine but I didn’t think I’d get it for years so thank you, thank you to everything in life that allows these small miracles

one solution to issues around sex is simply to enjoy yourself

I think what I’m trying to say is everything is and is going to be ok

 

Journalling

05/01/2018 § 1 Comment

Looking at the year ahead and setting my intentions in three words for how I want to feel. The words came to me easily and felt right.

Excited, Growing, Loving

and that covers it really, everything I want this year to be about and everything I believe in can be brought under these three words.

It feels equally exciting and terrifying when I look ahead. This year has a clarity about it.

Excited: To make the choices and behaviors that feel exciting. This doesn’t necessarily mean choosing the reckless options. It means choosing to be around the people who I feel excited about seeing. It means making choices that feel good not that feel necessary. To live a life that excites me. To not protect myself by making myself small. It’s about not being afraid of fear, which brings me on to the second intention –

Growing: To grow physically, mentally and spiritually. To train hard, and stretch my physical capabilities. To not live in willful ignorance when it comes to how my behavior effects the world around me. To stretch myself in the ways I love myself and others. To provide myself with the love I need. To look outwards and try and care for the world around me. And like the last intention, this overlaps and leads onto the last.

Loving: To love others the way I wish to be loved. To not be afraid to be myself, which isn’t held back. To cultivate good relationships. To love myself and not be afraid to walk away from interactions which don’t provide me with the love I need. To let my love expand outwards to more than my immediate circle and see how I can positively impact everyone I meet and the world around me.

This is a year of training hard, and loving hard, and having rich connections with people I care about and people that encourage emotional, physical and spiritual growth.

I am struggling at the moment with eating meat. This is a part of growth and not living in wilful ignorance. I’m not sure how this will change with this over the coming weeks and months but I’m just going to take it as it comes and be aware of what I put in myself.

Slightly more solid action based goals for this year:

  • Perform burlesque
  • Perform pole again
  • Pass beginners pole fitness instructor qualification

Slightly vaguer action based goals for this year:

  • Start learning how to use fire fans
  • Practice juggling and unicycling

 

 

 

 

 

Where Am I?

You are currently browsing the Thoughts category at Salt&Prose.