Inevitable

01/10/2017 § Leave a comment

Once you cross a barrier you wonder why it ever seemed to be there at all. Wasn’t that wall just a pile of dust? How did those splinters look so much like trees?

I can’t imagine ever not having sex for more than a few months. It doesn’t matter the quality or enjoyment or who is involved, it is inevitable. It doesn’t matter whether I want it or need it or despise it or hate it. It doesn’t matter my sex drive. Sex is destiny, sex is currency, sex is survival, sex is life, sex is thriving, connection, imprisonment, freedom of the mind and body, a way to be alive, a way to die, a way to be human.

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All I Need

17/09/2017 § Leave a comment

Togetherness, affiliation, alliance, clan, clique, community, comradeship, coterie, fellowship, fraternity, guild, kinship, league, society, union, commune, club, collective, commonage, commonality, community, cooperative, family, rank and file, troop, pack, team

Hello from the other side

05/09/2017 § Leave a comment

You have to follow your compulsions

The best parts of every city can be seen early in the morning and late at night

Nowhere in San Fran has air con and I sweat and I stick and I love it

San Fran lacks air con and New Orleans lacks wifi and I like them that way. They both have soul

I joked about my escort profile reading ‘I’m like a natural disaster recovery charity, I want your money’

Last week I held a rifle and became an ordained minister, separate incidences, same day

Today I want to walk till midnight, I want to walk alone. And I’ve been walking all morning down sweating streets to catcalls and peace

I saw a 12ft alligator dead at the side of the road, hit by traffic in the unlit dark

I saw a man and woman swimming together alone in a pool one evening. Him clearly rich, her clearly beautiful. Every lap she pretended to be slower than him, sneaking glances to make sure he’d win

When I was stoned in Miami I couldn’t speak, could only watch the rippling water with its white centres. The boy with the blue trunks and the boy with the red trunks and how I wanted to paint them

The alarms in the buildings around us were going off. A voice on a tannoy moved behind and around us and announced a fire in the building and to eveacuate. It was 21.09, I know because I have a compulsion to record. Was the fire next door or us, and in which direction?

Weed is the only drug to not agree with me

The only snake I have ever seen in the wild in England is a grass snake down in Cornwall. I found it as a child with my dad. It had shed its skin

I’m getting better at tarot. I’m getting worse at reading people with my gut

Everywhere I rest my head I call home

I wear flip flops every day for months. My heels are cracked like a desert

Back in spring I saw birds nests in bare trees and an anorexic woman jogging. This feels a long time ago now

Last night I slept for 5 hours then went to workout with the November project, it felt right and was so much fun. I am ready to live healthy for a short while now

I want to do art that makes people feel better

I miss pole and dick, separately

Coffee touchs my body, tea touches my soul
A northern voice offering a brew even better

I always forget how self conscious men are about balding, and when I remember it touches my heart

He lives for the story and has to control the story and be the centre of the story and he’ll marry me if I need it I know and he drinks his vodka and slips his cards and I hope he lives a long happy life

I believe that we will win, I believe that we will win, I believe that we will win

03/09/2017 § Leave a comment

We all need to get out of ourselves or get into ourselves and that might mean yoga or meditation or orgasms or having the shit beaten out of you or beating the shit out of someone or taking LSD or chanting or exercising to the point of utter exhaustion or a thousand other things. Whatever method works for you.
 
I believe in energy channels in the body and I believe in the utter power of conversations and/or physical intimacy to connect with a person. I believe creativity to be as important as logic and belief to be as important as fact and kindness to be as important as intelligence.

I believe humour is the most valuable trait in a person but that humourless people are not worthless. I believe that all gods are real and that god is a ridiculous concept and that religion is more than just stupidity.

I believe that true love is just friendship multiplied by a thousand and that obsession is necessary and I need to crawl and that I can never be with a man who doesn’t know how to be playful and won’t fly me like a aeroplane. I believe we all should be vegans and I believe shrimp wrap is truly deliciously unbeatable and I believe great sex is the best experience we can have on this planet.

Catholic Guilt

21/05/2017 § Leave a comment

Written around 2012

Church. It’s a loaded word which regardless of your religious beliefs usually invokes an instant emotional response.

How did you feel when I said it? When I hear the word church there’s a moment I become still like an animal that senses danger,  I take a small sharp breath in and gather mental weapons and defences. There’s anger, and sadness, and respect, awe for the capacity of the human mind and worship for the idea of worship. I am obsessed with obsession.

A church is where you’re supposed to go to find peace. It’s where you’re supposed to go to have a revelation. It’s where you’re supposed to go to save your soul or have it saved by something else- depending on how lazy you are.

It’s a given, but I haven’t found any of these things and besides I don’t take givens I give new questions for taking. It’s why I used to argue with my teachers so much. It’s why I left the monastery when my questions received a music box repetition of ‘it’s tradition, it’s tradition’.

So take my questions because the things I write aren’t resolutions they are strings of ‘huhs?’ and ‘idunnos’. Because I have no fucking clue and neither do you and often I feel my mind is finite and if I don’t write, it will gain more and more pressure until gooey words trickle out my ears.

My heart is not as finite. On good days it is infinite but right now it is sick and can’t process the way it should. I need to heal it so please, take my questions, it’s a way of trying to heal:

What is my soul? How do I betray it? How do I get it back once betrayed? Someone give me holy water because I need to flush out my sickness. Someone call a doctor because I can’t identify why my heart is sick. I am breaking the ten commandments and practicing the seven deadly sins but I don’t see what I do as wrong. What if, you are drinking holy water from dirty cups, I am a dirty cup, constantly drinking myself with words. What if you are pumping water into already shrivelled cells. My cells are shrivelled.

I’ve seen people come back from such evil and sickness it’s a miracle they can still see the grass and the sky through goggles of blood. How do you know if you are beyond forgiveness and redemption? I’m not saying I’m not worthy of these things, I’m saying I’m not capable.

Raw and Bloody

20/05/2017 § Leave a comment

Seeing him was a jolt through every part of my body. I am grateful our wounds never fully heal. I’m grateful to still love, and be as sensitive as ever. I am as raw and emotionally driven as I am practical and I know I will care about him for many years to come.

But I had and have enough respect and self knowledge to know that I was a round hole and he a square peg. And there’s not enough effort in the world on anyone’s part that could have made that right.

That cuts to the core of everything. The square, the circle. The triangle and the pentagon. Any two shapes you like.

I was reminded last weekend of my inability to help him hurting because I was the cause of the pain. I was reminded of this because I was the one hurting, and there was no-one who could help me. All I could do was wait and wait.

The cause of this was the worst (and one of the only) comedowns I have ever had and all I could do was panic and panic all Sunday afternoon and Monday. Tuesday was better, panic transformed into sadness (hello #suicidetuesday) and that was manageable. And then Wednesday it was over, the fog had lifted and I was happy and calm. I will never under-appreciate my mind for its naturally peaceful joy ever again.

I spent the working week at home and on Monday morning, halfway through the suffering, my dad picked me up from the train station.

He cried when we got in the car, short breath and panicked sobs. The emotions of seeing me for the first time in a good few months overcoming him. I – mid comedown and trying (mostly successfully) to hide the detachment, misery and anxiety overwhelming me – could not figure out how to respond although normally this is my forte. He, someone who has always been the most walled up blokey bloke you could ever meet, has no walls anymore. Since the day of the accident he is raw and suffering. What can I do to make it better? Nothing I know of or can figure out. I held his hand and I hugged him and I chatted about mundane things the best I could.

What a bloody weekend, I’ll look back and laugh at it for a while to come.

The man I went out with Saturday night, the one I got high with, I really like and it makes me feel needy and helpless.  There’s nothing like limerence to make you feel out of control. I am trying to focus on myself and hoping it subsides.

I will always pick love as a priority above all else in my life.

I love people, I LOVE people, I love PEOPLE.

Nothing is ever broken to need fixing, everything is always whole

06/05/2017 § Leave a comment

I can relate far more than he knows and far more than I can ever tell him. How can I or the world be angry at someone who is trying so hard to be good, and is willing to make such large sacrifices so satisfy what he desperately needs to satisfy? I am lucky, in that I only have to reach out to touch what I need with my fingertips, and sometimes it hits me without reaching out at all. He has to run emotional and financial marathons to get there.

Winter feels like a bad dream because I’m living such a joyful spring. Was it really ever cold and grey?

I remember being younger and feeling that belonging anywhere, in a part of any interesting group, was all I would need in life. Now I belong in all kinds of places and it’s as good as I thought it would be. I have utter belief that I will find places to belong every year of my life till it’s over.

The doctor says if I don’t improve within 24 hours I should go to a&e. The relief it feels to get to a medical professional when you’re in pain and delirious cannot be understated. You forget when you’re well, suffering. And you forget it again, after. And most seconds of most days you forget the suffering of others.

To lie in the sun with friends, is there any greater happiness.
To play in the sun with friends, is there any greater happiness.

I feel like I’ve ran the marathon and I’m now strolling down the last leg to the finish line with a big grin on my face. So, so fucking close. When my routine changes even slightly I feel my soul crack open and sun flood in. How terrible life is when it becomes static. My soul needs motion and new experiences or else I die.

I am very good at reviving myself. I’ve never been the sort of person to wait for things to come along. I head out and grab them with both hands.

Every place is a friendly place when you open your heart. Everywhere I look there are good people.

Yeaterday Stanley and his little Terrier dog broke my heart. Today I am sewing it back together with threads I find. Here’s one, from a morning run in the cool air. Here’s one, from M saving me a seat on the train. Here’s another, from the offering of pancakes by F. Here’s another from the miracles of modern medicine.

 

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