This Addict Needs a Hit

08/01/2018 § Leave a comment

Being with him is accepting constant frustration
An itching at the gums
Scratching at my wrists in the morning and the afternoon and the evening
I must discuss this with him
my needs and
the ways they are not met
I have a core of loneliness running from scalp to toes
I lay in bed this morning trying to feel it’s shape
Accept it, expose the nerves, or cover them
Try to practice self love
Try to body scan
Try to move love into each part of my body
Eventually gave up, went to my friends room to cuddle
Had two secret cries that day, two cries in rooms with others where they couldn’t see
and I know I am not depressed because I can laugh at myself with ease
Did you know if you massage a girls breasts she forms emotional attachments (says science)
I like my life to be full
Like a well stocked fridge
There’s a feelings soup
He’s dipping a spoon in and enjoying the taste
I fell in and am drowning and swimming in equal measures
Usually I live in five different worlds
But this week I feel like I live in barely any
There’s a thousand different communities to join, you know, there’s rarely an excuse to be lonely, but here I am
We all see sides of each other that others don’t see
And I’m a ass therapist
Who feels like he sees barely a tenth of me
People’s sex drives make them vulnerable not powerful
Men’s sex drives make them vulnerable not powerful
We’re all vulnerable. We’re all powerful


I’ve never envied the freedom of birds

19/12/2017 § 1 Comment

I am always down to eat

I am always down to fuck

I am mornings biggest fan, it’s worth waiting all night for

and all day again until it comes back around

I’ll be fast asleep eleven nights out of twelve

Dreaming five times out of six

My joy in the time when the sun is rising and just risen is effortless and predictable

When is your joy? Midday? Midnight? Or so rarely or so often

Or so unknown

We don’t want winter to go

We want to bury deeper into it with the one we’re obsessed with

and wait with a trees patience for spring

I’ll be under these covers for the next six months

This duvet you tried to friendly joke about but you should know no-one can mock me

I mock me twice as hard

I’ll beat you to the punch every time

Bury me

Deeper and more and more

of what we want

and more and more

of what we want

We don’t want winter to leave us

We want to be found by Spring

There’s a goddamn difference

I wish I were a nymphomaniac

because I want to be rich

I think I’d be happy as a maniac

and the desire to fuck

would pull me through life

as one thick gold thread

Instead I am a love addict

and my threads are silver and several

and the best days

are when that love

is for myself and me and me

above anyone else

(these days come once in every six)

I’ve never quite been able to take good friends for granted

an after effect of a lonely childhood

I’ve never envied the freedom of birds

I travel and travel but can never leave people

You can still hide from yourself when you meditate

If you meditate badly

My dad is in court tomorrow pleading guilty

My friends wrapped me an unexpected Christmas present

in black and gold and with my name

An extra gift, slipped under our tree

because they know I will have a present-less Christmas this year

What kind of substitute is money for that

What kind of substitute is anything for that

There’s a warmth at the pit of my breastbone from that

and it makes me be a better person

You can always get money back

You can sometimes get people back

You can sometimes get yourself back

When you forget who you are for a while

If you never leave people you never have to get them back

Friends can always get me back

My capacity for forgiveness is an ocean

My capacity for love is huge

Taxis know what I am

Taxis are lovely about it

I can sniff an escort a mile away

from their clothes and their hair and their attitude

But I can’t scent you anymore, where did you go

I know where you’ve been

I understand less and less why

I understand less and less you

We used to be under each others skins but now there’s a country road between us

One day it will be a dual carriageway

One day it will be the earth and the moon




Queen of Pain

04/12/2017 § Leave a comment

05 November 2017

How to do right by yourself and by everyone around you?

Tonight I am sitting in bed listening to Florence and the Machine’s How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful and I am crying. I am waiting for the phone call which tells me I can go out and earn money tonight, keeping 40% of what I make whilst the agency keeps 60%. I have a sore throat and a heavy cold and an anxious mind and a sad heart. I have begun working a job that no-one knows about and there is no-one I can tell, which is isolating. I have to lie to everyone around me.

I am hurting a man who loves me. I have feelings for a man who I believe doesn’t have them back. I am lonely and I am scared. None of this is a choice, feelings are not a choice. Everything is the only way it can be, the only way that is true. I must follow this path even if it leads to misery and darkness.

The best part of being financially desperate is that you feel alive all of the time, another is that your life can take creative turns, another is that in some ways you are free, another is that you always wake early in the morning to see the sun rise, because panic jolts you awake. One man in my life is going to prison between 1 and 14 years, another tried to kill himself two nights ago, another is about to leave me due to something out of my control that isn’t my fault.

There are lies in the frost but the rain exposes us all and it’s beautiful.
Have you seen the rain? It’s gonna wash us all away.


10/11/2017 § Leave a comment

What comes out my mouth
I hear in my parents voice
And I want to take my heart out

I am not living my life the way I should be

04/11/2017 § Leave a comment

This afternoon I cried at an advert for nespresso coffee
It is time I stopped looking for home in other people and looked for it within myself
There’s a blanket just for me and if I share it it’s mine to share and its all the blanket I need
I am going to learn to breathe fire
I am going to perform pole and hoop
I am going to be proud of what I am achieving and
I am not going to cut myself for the many ways I struggle
For the many ways I am struggling
I am going to fuck purely for pleasure and
I am going to laugh as comes naturally and
I am going to take the world as light as a cloud
Because it is and we’re all floating

I am not properly here

01/10/2017 § Leave a comment

I am tired of having panic attacks in bookstores and
I am tired of worrying I will never be enough and
I am tired of being the way I am how
do I lift the weight from the corners of my mouth how
do I let go today
I am letting go I
panic in bookstores because I am full of information and I can’t take any more I
calm down in the stationary sections because creating is healing today
I walk in the sun and do not wear sun cream and refuse to worry today
I order a fancy coffee and save the receipt for the council to pay for and I refuse to feel guilty

do I feel like my heart is being squeezed is it because I miss the ones I love I
am starting to like the colour blue again I
think this means I am getting over my childhood some
of the best days are the ones where you’re not present and
time slips by and when
someone speaks to you you look up in shock, surprised
they could see you, unsure
how to behave in the real world

The circus is moving out of town tomorrow night
This summer is nearly over

and died in a flicker, I’ll never forget the flame

18/09/2017 § Leave a comment

Sometimes I need the darkness and the sadness and the peace and the sunken place. Sometimes I need to get out. Sometimes I need to be scared and sometimes I need to hurt and sometimes I need to suffer and sometimes I need to sink deep down.

Every yang needs yin or else you burn burn burn.

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