Queen of Pain

04/12/2017 § Leave a comment

05 November 2017

How to do right by yourself and by everyone around you?

Tonight I am sitting in bed listening to Florence and the Machine’s How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful and I am crying. I am waiting for the phone call which tells me I can go out and earn money tonight, keeping 40% of what I make whilst the agency keeps 60%. I have a sore throat and a heavy cold and an anxious mind and a sad heart. I have begun working a job that no-one knows about and there is no-one I can tell, which is isolating. I have to lie to everyone around me.

I am hurting a man who loves me. I have feelings for a man who I believe doesn’t have them back. I am lonely and I am scared. None of this is a choice, feelings are not a choice. Everything is the only way it can be, the only way that is true. I must follow this path even if it leads to misery and darkness.

The best part of being financially desperate is that you feel alive all of the time, another is that your life can take creative turns, another is that in some ways you are free, another is that you always wake early in the morning to see the sun rise, because panic jolts you awake. One man in my life is going to prison between 1 and 14 years, another tried to kill himself two nights ago, another is about to leave me due to something out of my control that isn’t my fault.

There are lies in the frost but the rain exposes us all and it’s beautiful.
Have you seen the rain? It’s gonna wash us all away.

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10/11/2017 § Leave a comment

What comes out my mouth
I hear in my parents voice
And I want to take my heart out

I am not living my life the way I should be

04/11/2017 § Leave a comment

This afternoon I cried at an advert for nespresso coffee
It is time I stopped looking for home in other people and looked for it within myself
There’s a blanket just for me and if I share it it’s mine to share and its all the blanket I need
I am going to learn to breathe fire
I am going to perform pole and hoop
I am going to be proud of what I am achieving and
I am not going to cut myself for the many ways I struggle
For the many ways I am struggling
I am going to fuck purely for pleasure and
I am going to laugh as comes naturally and
I am going to take the world as light as a cloud
Because it is and we’re all floating

I am not properly here

01/10/2017 § Leave a comment

I am tired of having panic attacks in bookstores and
I am tired of worrying I will never be enough and
I am tired of being the way I am how
do I lift the weight from the corners of my mouth how
do I let go today
I am letting go I
panic in bookstores because I am full of information and I can’t take any more I
calm down in the stationary sections because creating is healing today
I walk in the sun and do not wear sun cream and refuse to worry today
I order a fancy coffee and save the receipt for the council to pay for and I refuse to feel guilty

why
do I feel like my heart is being squeezed is it because I miss the ones I love I
am starting to like the colour blue again I
think this means I am getting over my childhood some
of the best days are the ones where you’re not present and
time slips by and when
someone speaks to you you look up in shock, surprised
they could see you, unsure
how to behave in the real world

The circus is moving out of town tomorrow night
This summer is nearly over

and died in a flicker, I’ll never forget the flame

18/09/2017 § Leave a comment

Sometimes I need the darkness and the sadness and the peace and the sunken place. Sometimes I need to get out. Sometimes I need to be scared and sometimes I need to hurt and sometimes I need to suffer and sometimes I need to sink deep down.

Every yang needs yin or else you burn burn burn.

It’s a beautiful sunny Saturday morning and I’m cycling to the supermarket with a big smile on my face

20/05/2017 § Leave a comment

I’m always here to help
I’m always here to hold
with a razor tongue and a razor burn
I’m always a home one day you’ll learn
survival instinct too strong in me
have to consciously fuck myself up
consciously get these bruises
consciously get these cuts
consciously foot in mouth
consciously down to fuck
I can’t break my mould
I can’t break my mould
I crave emotional masochism like most crave to hold
I crave to be hurt
I crave to be held
every day a sugar rush
every day a sugar touch
what did I do to deserve this luck
how can it be that I’ve earned this luck
I’m an emotional masochist I’m not a pacifist
when I think of you hurting me my cunt pulses
when I think of you happy with another it brings me nothing but joy
I don’t want to be more than a toy

I Need To Crawl

16/05/2017 § Leave a comment

An old piece from March 2016

I want to crawl but it’s not safe
the feeling a dull familiar ache
we fuck into darkness, not into light
a raw and frequent bite

when a scab is infected
you have to scrape it to purify the insides
that’s what I’m trying to do with us
that’s what I’m trying to do with me

I want to live with you and watch films and cook together in the evenings
sometimes it feels like a naive fairytale
because you like to read reddit when you’re eating
you like takeaways
and I had a gut feeling we will probably never live together

Revisiting this note I can add
my gut was wrong
I don’t feel that anymore
my quiet caring boy
I love you

I wrote
‘apparently I have anxiety
if that is true you use it as a weapon
to kick my teeth out when I try to speak
to say I am unhappy’

Revisiting this note I can add
my gut was wrong
I don’t feel that anymore
my quiet caring boy
I love you

I revisit again 6 months on and it’s another life
I live equally in the past, present and future
I live equally in my head and heart
I let writing settle before I release
I let things gather before I explode

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