I am not properly here

01/10/2017 § Leave a comment

I am tired of having panic attacks in bookstores and
I am tired of worrying I will never be enough and
I am tired of being the way I am how
do I lift the weight from the corners of my mouth how
do I let go today
I am letting go I
panic in bookstores because I am full of information and I can’t take any more I
calm down in the stationary sections because creating is healing today
I walk in the sun and do not wear sun cream and refuse to worry today
I order a fancy coffee and save the receipt for the council to pay for and I refuse to feel guilty

why
do I feel like my heart is being squeezed is it because I miss the ones I love I
am starting to like the colour blue again I
think this means I am getting over my childhood some
of the best days are the ones where you’re not present and
time slips by and when
someone speaks to you you look up in shock, surprised
they could see you, unsure
how to behave in the real world

The circus is moving out of town tomorrow night
This summer is nearly over

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and died in a flicker, I’ll never forget the flame

18/09/2017 § Leave a comment

Sometimes I need the darkness and the sadness and the peace and the sunken place. Sometimes I need to get out. Sometimes I need to be scared and sometimes I need to hurt and sometimes I need to suffer and sometimes I need to sink deep down.

Every yang needs yin or else you burn burn burn.

It’s a beautiful sunny Saturday morning and I’m cycling to the supermarket with a big smile on my face

20/05/2017 § Leave a comment

I’m always here to help
I’m always here to hold
with a razor tongue and a razor burn
I’m always a home one day you’ll learn
survival instinct too strong in me
have to consciously fuck myself up
consciously get these bruises
consciously get these cuts
consciously foot in mouth
consciously down to fuck
I can’t break my mould
I can’t break my mould
I crave emotional masochism like most crave to hold
I crave to be hurt
I crave to be held
every day a sugar rush
every day a sugar touch
what did I do to deserve this luck
how can it be that I’ve earned this luck
I’m an emotional masochist I’m not a pacifist
when I think of you hurting me my cunt pulses
when I think of you happy with another it brings me nothing but joy
I don’t want to be more than a toy

I Need To Crawl

16/05/2017 § Leave a comment

An old piece from March 2016

I want to crawl but it’s not safe
the feeling a dull familiar ache
we fuck into darkness, not into light
a raw and frequent bite

when a scab is infected
you have to scrape it to purify the insides
that’s what I’m trying to do with us
that’s what I’m trying to do with me

I want to live with you and watch films and cook together in the evenings
sometimes it feels like a naive fairytale
because you like to read reddit when you’re eating
you like takeaways
and I had a gut feeling we will probably never live together

Revisiting this note I can add
my gut was wrong
I don’t feel that anymore
my quiet caring boy
I love you

I wrote
‘apparently I have anxiety
if that is true you use it as a weapon
to kick my teeth out when I try to speak
to say I am unhappy’

Revisiting this note I can add
my gut was wrong
I don’t feel that anymore
my quiet caring boy
I love you

I revisit again 6 months on and it’s another life
I live equally in the past, present and future
I live equally in my head and heart
I let writing settle before I release
I let things gather before I explode

Rap

07/05/2017 § Leave a comment

I’ve got 4 holes that you can fuck if you want to
The cure to everything is your little bitch self
You want this cunt, boy?
You want this cunt, boy
You ain’t got the money or the anger for this cunt, boy
I’ve got it all wrapped up in a tight green ribbon
I’ve got the cunt money boy you’ve got to take what you’re given
Got to count your blessings, you’ve got sugar and butter
make some cake for Christ sake bitch be the mother and lover
Something new something dark blue thank god it’s nothing I’m used to
Undeliverable
Uncommendable
Fuck yourself
I’m not dependable
Heading to sunshine city
Heading to sunshine valley
Don’t need your red Hyundai
Don’t need my drink and drive by
Don’t be shy don’t be shy
Or I’ll eat you alive
Inject my veins with your blood
I’ll throw it up
I’m always down to fuck
I’m always down to fuck
I’m always down to hurt

Comfort Eating

28/02/2017 § Leave a comment

Trip tripping through minutes
It feels gravy to get wavy
Then be pure

I like to sweat
I like to feel muddy, dirty, achey, breathless, stretched
I like to fuck
I like to get high
I like to be loved
I like to be hated, when it feels right
I like long runs and longer drives

I like morning bike rides
hungover and empty
I like hot tea
I like hot baths
I like more than just to fill my hollow insides

.

31/12/2016 § Leave a comment

Something I wrote back in January 2016

As I moved the bin to empty
I noticed packaging for an egg and cress sandwich and smiled because I’d fed someone I love
which is a wonderful feeling
I am not one to buy people I love cheap packaged meals
I am one to cook, and I cook beautifully
but this was on offer you see, and it’s hard to feed my boyfriend at the best of times
he doesn’t really eat

I dreamt we were speaking
and I was sad but I can’t recall why
neither of us had done wrong but I wasn’t good enough
I’d failed at something, I’d embarrassed myself, I’d made a mistake
or something along those lines

I’m trying to pour our tea out of a double spouted teapot into two cups
to drink together
but I keep filling only mine
at the last moment, fear of thirst wins

I don’t have anxiety
I’m just anxious sometimes
I’m just human

I’ve made a mistake
it’s a moderate mistake as mistakes go
pack your trainers
it’s a hill with tea and cake on top
but a trek just the same

I hope I am forgiven
by you or by them or by god
I have baggage in every love handle
and my fingers end in snags

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