Raw and Bloody

20/05/2017 § Leave a comment

Seeing him was a jolt through every part of my body. I am grateful our wounds never fully heal. I’m grateful to still love, and be as sensitive as ever. I am as raw and emotionally driven as I am practical and I know I will care about him for many years to come.

But I had and have enough respect and self knowledge to know that I was a round hole and he a square peg. And there’s not enough effort in the world on anyone’s part that could have made that right.

That cuts to the core of everything. The square, the circle. The triangle and the pentagon. Any two shapes you like.

I was reminded last weekend of my inability to help him hurting because I was the cause of the pain. I was reminded of this because I was the one hurting, and there was no-one who could help me. All I could do was wait and wait.

The cause of this was the worst (and one of the only) comedowns I have ever had and all I could do was panic and panic all Sunday afternoon and Monday. Tuesday was better, panic transformed into sadness (hello #suicidetuesday) and that was manageable. And then Wednesday it was over, the fog had lifted and I was happy and calm. I will never under-appreciate my mind for its naturally peaceful joy ever again.

I spent the working week at home and on Monday morning, halfway through the suffering, my dad picked me up from the train station.

He cried when we got in the car, short breath and panicked sobs. The emotions of seeing me for the first time in a good few months overcoming him. I – mid comedown and trying (mostly successfully) to hide the detachment, misery and anxiety overwhelming me – could not figure out how to respond although normally this is my forte. He, someone who has always been the most walled up blokey bloke you could ever meet, has no walls anymore. Since the day of the accident he is raw and suffering. What can I do to make it better? Nothing I know of or can figure out. I held his hand and I hugged him and I chatted about mundane things the best I could.

What a bloody weekend, I’ll look back and laugh at it for a while to come.

The man I went out with Saturday night, the one I got high with, I really like and it makes me feel needy and helpless.  There’s nothing like limerence to make you feel out of control. I am trying to focus on myself and hoping it subsides.

I will always pick love as a priority above all else in my life.

I love people, I LOVE people, I love PEOPLE.

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