01/10/2016 § Leave a comment
It’s been 3 weeks since we ended and after last night I finally feel able to be alone without people around me. For 21 days I have struggled with loneliness and spent every waking moment in the company of friends. The loneliness is still there of course, this world is made for two and I am cycling alone on a tandem bicycle. But I am finally able to rest alone, read alone, write alone, draw alone. Perhaps now I can settle into simply being myself.
I was mostly happy and yet it wasn’t enough. I will live and die for the right relationship. All that is important in life is the people in it, and no relationship is more important than the one with my partner. It has to be right. We have to connect on every level.
I’ve dissected him, picked at his imperfections and failings. Some of the things that make us not right are deep to the core, and pure. Needs which if not met crack our foundations thoroughly. Others are shallow, but still important. I appreciated the honesty we could have last night. We shared secrets and lies. We acknowledged ourselves.
I dreamed we did Halloween together. We dressed up together and went out into the world, and we interacted outside ourselves happily, separately and together, always with the invisible silver thread that connects couples together between us. A pipedream that will never happen.
I need to be mindful of myself. I need to be the best version of myself I can be. I need to learn to be alone, to settle into this without loneliness. Only then can I find a man that’s right for me.