The Options Are Never To Lose Or Win

22/05/2014 § Leave a comment

You do stuff to my body
and it reacts the only ways it can
(I wrote a long time ago
what’s the context? lost forever)
I make my life art 
I perform to myself
I make my movements deliberate
I find peace
I’d like to get off life for a few weeks
I say every month or so
ring hauls in shopping mauls
take me back home
there’s always something if you open up
surprise kindness from a stranger
a door held open, a sympathy hug
holding out for the small love
the mind is a see-saw game
predicting bad things is a self-fulfilling prophecy
I’ll solve anything but give me a year
I wish I’d read less and remembered more
you do things and they’re the sparks they are
and then they’re just stories
what do you have left
where do you go from there
you’ve always got your family, she said
I’m still looking for discount bread
a dream of smoke and soil and skin
I thought of it again today, the past always hangs at the back of my head
I’m sleeping on bare mattress because I’ve lost my other sheet
it’s been a lonely week
another day on the verge of being in control
waking to find I lost it in my sleep


14/05/2014 § Leave a comment

Open roads, lonely mountains, cold lakes and hopeless fjords. We climbed a mountain and I leapt from boulder to boulder like a goat. I felt physically fit but my stomach was weak. I felt proud of keeping it together, my mind was falling apart.

The sun was bright, the rain drizzly and the cold biting. I drove along the roads loving the control and the diesel growl. I wished my boyfriend was beside me. It was hot and the sun glowed off my protected skin, the junctions were difficult to get my head round on the right side of the road.

The roads are long and quiet, honking is illegal, no-one indicates at roundabouts, traffic jams do not exist. Mountains roads can get narrow but are always well kept, all cemeteries are immaculate.

Everyone is slim and into fitness. The only people I saw the entire trip who weren’t this way were one fat man on a scooter and a chubby lady, and even she was jogging. I don’t think he was a very nice man, his dog didn’t look very happy.

The people are tanned and pale at the same time, with hair that’s both blond and brown together. Eyes of dull brown and blue. Expensive coffee, excellent childcare.

I saw pink tipped daisies and wanted to string a chain that would never decompose. I saw a bench with every inch of the wood covered in initials and hearts, and felt relief at the intimacy of it.

A French juggler with a lot of enthusiasm and less skill. I ate little, mostly rice, vegetables and sausages. I felt lonelier and lower than I have in a long time. On the darkest, coldest worst night my mind rolled around that everything I love will go, my boyfriend will hurt me beyond repair and my phelmy lungs were a sign of lung cancer.

Live though this, live through this, live through this. I think it will be years before I have a night that bad again.

Where Am I?

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