22/05/2014 § Leave a comment
14/05/2014 § Leave a comment
Open roads, lonely mountains, cold lakes and hopeless fjords. We climbed a mountain and I leapt from boulder to boulder like a goat. I felt physically fit but my stomach was weak. I felt proud of keeping it together, my mind was falling apart.
The sun was bright, the rain drizzly and the cold biting. I drove along the roads loving the control and the diesel growl. I wished my boyfriend was beside me. It was hot and the sun glowed off my protected skin, the junctions were difficult to get my head round on the right side of the road.
The roads are long and quiet, honking is illegal, no-one indicates at roundabouts, traffic jams do not exist. Mountains roads can get narrow but are always well kept, all cemeteries are immaculate.
Everyone is slim and into fitness. The only people I saw the entire trip who weren’t this way were one fat man on a scooter and a chubby lady, and even she was jogging. I don’t think he was a very nice man, his dog didn’t look very happy.
The people are tanned and pale at the same time, with hair that’s both blond and brown together. Eyes of dull brown and blue. Expensive coffee, excellent childcare.
I saw pink tipped daisies and wanted to string a chain that would never decompose. I saw a bench with every inch of the wood covered in initials and hearts, and felt relief at the intimacy of it.
A French juggler with a lot of enthusiasm and less skill. I ate little, mostly rice, vegetables and sausages. I felt lonelier and lower than I have in a long time. On the darkest, coldest worst night my mind rolled around that everything I love will go, my boyfriend will hurt me beyond repair and my phelmy lungs were a sign of lung cancer.
Live though this, live through this, live through this. I think it will be years before I have a night that bad again.