Still

13/10/2012 § Leave a comment

I still can’t figure out where I’m going wrong
I still fight to keep fighting
I’m still petrified of apathy
I still search for a key to open a door to find out what I’m searching for
I still look for someone I don’t hate
I still know I’ll never hate anyone at all

Crowd Surf

13/10/2012 § Leave a comment

Crowd surfing alone off a cliff
some people always feel the need to
choose the hardest things and think themselves strong 
such a paradox
.
if you can be alone in full
consciousness of what you are then
you have won or else win
a car a house
.
a child a wife a suit
no stop the click click dominoes
I want the former I want to
crowd surf alone off a cliff

I Think Of You Sometimes

13/10/2012 § Leave a comment

I think of you sometimes
when people laugh stupidly and swagger
and speak in an accent I dislike
.
I think of you sometimes
when people are cold and unfriendly
beautiful and unspeaking unless of themselves
.
I think of you sometimes
when people are different inside
and pale and thin and homeless
.
I think of you sometimes
when I read beautiful writing
and I know you would have said it better
.
I think of you sometimes
when I see Audrey Hepburn
although I never did learn what you look like

Fizzy Attraction

13/10/2012 § Leave a comment

He showed me photos of a girl he loves that works as an escort on the same site I do. Before then I’d never seen this girl he speaks of so often, only heard her description.

She is pretty in a traditional sense, younger than I expected and unhealthily thin. Even from just a few photos I can see she sparks with energy. He told me when they slept together she was too spiky, fizzy, and I can easily imagine her energy in bed. You’d feel she’s all elbows even if she wasn’t. He revealed he was disappointed and it hadn’t matched his expectations. I wasn’t surprised, he wants young girls to have sex and fall in love with him, this will never happen so he’ll always be disappointed. It’s so easy and misguided for men to create a fantasy of a connection in their minds that will never happen, he’s an intelligent man and beginning to realise this. Rationality is finally coming through a fog of emotion and fantasy.

I deduced my job that night was to cheer him up with happy conversation but it is so difficult to do this with him. He is far too intelligent to be tricked into happiness, no clichéd phrases or silly comments could work and every question is a trap. I spend too much energy keeping my stories straight, keeping my personality consistent, remembering the names of people in the stories he tells and what roles they play in his life. Probably failing at all of these things.

Saying ‘a girl he loves’ makes it sound trite. What I mean is it’s easy to fall in love with a person, especially young pretty girls who need help, especially if you’re lonely and ageing and the young girl has a spiky youthful energy and an eating disorder. I’d love to know her side of the story, as the worker rather than the customer I’m sure her account would be more honest and less poetic. She knows the truth behind the scene she creates.

I am not spiky, energetic, or youthful with him. I am calm and placid, quiet. He doesn’t excite me in any way. To be frank, he bores me. I try to pass it off as sweetness. I am often like this with the men who love their self centred monologues, I am sweet and bored. For some, escorts are an opportunity for them to tell their one man tales of woe and greatness. Who else would listen for so long? Who else would buy into their self-indulgent exaggerations and act impressed?

He wanted my bank account details to wire the money he felt he owed after that night. Of course, I did not give this to him though I genuinely believe he would have tried no fraud or theft, it is not in his nature. The key reason was because I didn’t want to give him my real name.

He is a photographer in his spare time and travels to gigs and festivals to create images. He texted me on the last day of a festival I was at because he was there too and wished to meet up. I was cold, tired, didn’t look my best and felt unsure of my acting abilities, and so I ignored the text.

I replied the next day apologising for not meeting him. I said my phone battery had gone flat, but it was clearly a lie and after these events he hasn’t contacted me since. He doesn’t want an escort, he wants a young girl who trusts him. I do not, the spiky girl does, he moves on.

12/10/2012 § Leave a comment

Would you rather be parallel or perpendicular to the love of your life?

Sentimental Evolution

12/10/2012 § Leave a comment

Darling, I said
I don’t think I believe in your idea of love
These chemical bonds are survival
Techniques from evolving but be as it may
In this way
I love you.
.
Many short years have passed us by
And if memories are bonds we’re in cobwebs of time
I don’t live by the devil
I live by my songs
I live by my own gods
And you live by none

Tricks From All Sides

12/10/2012 § Leave a comment

Fifty pounds for over three hours of conversation in a pub and then noodle bar listening to his repetitive and self-indulgent monologues. I was angry but as usual it was distanced under layers of sadness, a muffled grey prediction of the future which is difficult to shake, especially when late at night or tired. The mind plays cruel tricks and fighting yourself can feel a mean joke.  Sadness and tiredness are frequent enemies, but internal enemies are so difficult to grasp.

I wanted to scream at him, ‘why didn’t you tell me beforehand this is all you had?! I trusted you!’ It was a subtle betrayal as no amount had been set for this time. No amount had been set because I trusted he’d uphold his side of the deal as he always had in the past. To trick a person with your own reliability is something you can only do once. I don’t regret my trust, I still think it was the right things to do. You have to trust people or your life loses meaning. Sometimes I’d rather be too trusting than not enough, better to live and get hurt than not live and stay safe.

In this job you must be careful to not show just how wary you are or it can spoil everything in their minds, though it’s often so hard to hide it.

There was empathy beside the anger. He’s a lonely person who wants to spend time with someone he likes and we’ve all been there, we can all relate to that. It’s an empathy not many adult workers would feel, or maybe I’m just buying into the ‘adult workers are heartless robots’ rubbish in thinking that. Even if it were the case it would be pretty justified. It’s tough, excluded from society, the butt of public jokes and misunderstandings, dealing with the raw minds of clients, outside regular social rules and laws, constantly taking steps to literally protect yourself from, damage, violence, STI’s and even death. If you’re not tough you’ll be destroyed.

There’s a river of rage running through my veins. It rises and I let it bubble beneath the surface ready to bite. I am careful, in public, of when it bites. But at home I let it explode. There’s frustration that my life isn’t going the way I want, that I am not how I want to be. Often these days I feel anger towards anyone who finds me attractive, what does that even mean?

Where Am I?

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