I am not properly here

01/10/2017 § Leave a comment

I am tired of having panic attacks in bookstores and
I am tired of worrying I will never be enough and
I am tired of being the way I am how
do I lift the weight from the corners of my mouth how
do I let go today
I am letting go I
panic in bookstores because I am full of information and I can’t take any more I
calm down in the stationary sections because creating is healing today
I walk in the sun and do not wear sun cream and refuse to worry today
I order a fancy coffee and save the receipt for the council to pay for and I refuse to feel guilty

do I feel like my heart is being squeezed is it because I miss the ones I love I
am starting to like the colour blue again I
think this means I am getting over my childhood some
of the best days are the ones where you’re not present and
time slips by and when
someone speaks to you you look up in shock, surprised
they could see you, unsure
how to behave in the real world

The circus is moving out of town tomorrow night
This summer is nearly over



01/10/2017 § Leave a comment

Once you cross a barrier you wonder why it ever seemed to be there at all. Wasn’t that wall just a pile of dust? How did those splinters look so much like trees?

I can’t imagine ever not having sex for more than a few months. It doesn’t matter the quality or enjoyment or who is¬†involved, it is inevitable. It doesn’t matter whether I want it or need it or despise it or hate it. It doesn’t matter my sex drive. Sex is destiny, sex is currency, sex is survival, sex is life, sex is thriving, connection, imprisonment, freedom of the mind and body, a way to be alive, a way to die, a way to be human.


19/09/2017 § Leave a comment

What comes out my mouth
I hear in my parents voice
And my heart aches

and died in a flicker, I’ll never forget the flame

18/09/2017 § Leave a comment

Sometimes I need the darkness and the sadness and the peace and the sunken place. Sometimes I need to get out. Sometimes I need to be scared and sometimes I need to hurt and sometimes I need to suffer and sometimes I need to sink deep down.

Every yang needs yin or else you burn burn burn.

All I Need

17/09/2017 § Leave a comment

Togetherness, affiliation, alliance, clan, clique, community, comradeship, coterie, fellowship, fraternity, guild, kinship, league, society, union, commune, club, collective, commonage, commonality, community, cooperative, family, rank and file, troop, pack, team


07/09/2017 § Leave a comment

A shotgun house is what they call a Creole house which has a corridor the whole way through with the doors along the corridor. The story goes that a man didn’t approve of her daughters choice of boyfriend, turned up at his house one day and tried to shoot him. The bullet missed and went clean through the house without passing through a thing, before killing a chicken in the backyard. These houses allow a breeze to pass through on hot summer days.

Down south in Louisiana territory, they say to make groceries, or to go make groceries.

It takes the Indians of the Mardi Gras a year to sew their costumes, which can often weigh nearly as much as them and which they wear in the baking New Orleans heat in August.

My favourite thing about Treme houses is their bright colours.

There is a bayou near New Orleans in which a man has built himself a white castle surrounded by swamp.

The definition of Brackish is part salt part fresh water. A French word.

In hurricane land they sometimes build their houses on stilts to avoid flooding.

The best way to warm a sailor gone overboard is with a hot bath. Hot, but not too hot. A blanket and a fire is a bad bad choice.

In Amsterdam and other Dutch areas the houses often have very big windows at the front. This is from when men went away to sea, it was to show the women left alone weren’t up to anything they weren’t supposed to.

Pigs are omnivores which means they eat meat and vegetation.

Spanish moss pillows get bedbugs in them if you dry the Spanish moss in the grass. The trick is to dry them elsewhere or dry them on the grass then drown them in the water then hang them out to dry.

If you use the last method you will make horsehair.

England has small man syndrome and we still think we own half the world. We think we can beat anyone in a fight. We can’t.

When I was high I wrote this as a film idea ‘Doctor pill evil send away spread come back to be healed, more get sicker, come back to be healed’. I also wrote ‘Snake cake’ separately. I do not know what this means.

There was a huge shark eaten by something frighteningly large at its lowest depth. We don’t know what the thing is, we haven’t explored deeper than that yet. whatever it was was at its highest point in the unexplored ocean. We know because we were tracking the shark and it just disappeared.

Somewhere in English countryside there is a big ledger which shows the names and stats of all the men who went into a particular prison over a period of years in the 19th century. The book shows they were all low 5fts and most were 4ft something. Many had grey hair and dull eyes in their early 20s. Most went in for petty thieving. Life was hard back then.

Conkers is a game Americans don’t know.

I am homesick.


Hello from the other side

05/09/2017 § Leave a comment

You have to follow your compulsions

The best parts of every city can be seen early in the morning and late at night

Nowhere in San Fran has air con and I sweat and I stick and I love it

San Fran lacks air con and New Orleans lacks wifi and I like them that way. They both have soul

I joked about my escort profile reading ‘I’m like a natural disaster recovery charity, I want your money’

Last week I held a rifle and became an ordained minister, separate incidences, same day

Today I want to walk till midnight, I want to walk alone. And I’ve been walking all morning down sweating streets to catcalls and peace

I saw a 12ft alligator dead at the side of the road, hit by traffic in the unlit dark

I saw a man and woman swimming together alone in a pool one evening. Him clearly rich, her clearly beautiful. Every lap she pretended to be slower than him, sneaking glances to make sure he’d win

When I was stoned in Miami I couldn’t speak, could only watch the rippling water with its white centres. The boy with the blue trunks and the boy with the red trunks and how I wanted to paint them

The alarms in the buildings around us were going off. A voice on a tannoy moved behind and around us and announced a fire in the building and to eveacuate. It was 21.09, I know because I have a compulsion to record. Was the fire next door or us, and in which direction?

Weed is the only drug to not agree with me

The only snake I have ever seen in the wild in England is a grass snake down in Cornwall. I found it as a child with my dad. It had shed its skin

I’m getting better at tarot. I’m getting worse at reading people with my gut

Everywhere I rest my head I call home

I wear flip flops every day for months. My heels are cracked like a desert

Back in spring I saw birds nests in bare trees and an anorexic woman jogging. This feels a long time ago now

Last night I slept for 5 hours then went to workout with the November project, it felt right and was so much fun. I am ready to live healthy for a short while now

I want to do art that makes people feel better

I miss pole and dick, separately

Coffee touchs my body, tea touches my soul
A northern voice offering a brew even better

I always forget how self conscious men are about balding, and when I remember it touches my heart

He lives for the story and has to control the story and be the centre of the story and he’ll marry me if I need it I know and he drinks his vodka and slips his cards and I hope he lives a long happy life